Clambake (1967)

And you all thought I forgot, didn’t ya? Think not, says I. For it's that time of year again, where we (belatedly) celebrate my man Elvis Presley’s birthday by throwing "Moody Blue" on the turntable, frying up a peanut butter and 'nanner sammich, with bacon, and take a look at one of The Big E’s fractured forays into feature film.

Thus, we’re gonna take a look at Clambake (1967), a film I could’ve sworn I had already seen but, turns out, I had not. And so, we went digging for some clams on a virgin beach but all we really found in the sand was a big giant cat turd-of-a-movie. Okay, stop me if you heard this one before:

Scott Heyward, a Texas good ole’ boy through and through, and son and heir to the Heyward oil fortune, is in the middle of an existential crisis that only those with great wealth can have: do people like him for who he is, or do they only like him for his ridiculous net worth and all the crap it buys -- including the pretty boss Corvette Stingray he is currently driving along the Florida coast with no real destination in mind.

Stopping for some gas and a burger, Heyward (Presley) relates his tale of woe to the guy one stool down, telling Tom Wilson (Hutchins) how his father, Duster Heyward (Gregory), has his son’s entire future all planned out, grooming him to take over the family petroleum business one day; and how his son wanted none of that and basically ran away, wanting to make it on his own.

Wilson, like any normal person, scoffs a bit at this, saying he wishes he had those kinds of problems; and if Heyward ever wanted to trade places with him all he has to do is ask.

And with that, a light snaps on in the young Heyward’s head, and then he and Wilson conspire to do just that: switch identities, with Heyward taking over Wilson’s position as the new water-skiing instructor at some posh hotel on Miami Beach, while Wilson, as Heyward, takes up residence at the same hotel in the presidential suite.

But Heyward barely has time to stash his borrowed gear before his first lesson commences for an impatient guest. But it soon becomes apparent this was all a ruse by Dianne Carter (Fabares) to show off some mad aquatic-skiing skills to draw the eye of James J. Jameson (Bixby), a wealthy young playboy and heir to a female undergarment empire (-- whose brand is so sheer it’s hard to tell where the negligee ends and the skin begins).

Seems Diane is a gold digger, who put herself in hock for this grand scheme to marry a sugar daddy. And, assuming Heyward is just a beach bum out to accomplish the same thing, she convinces him to help her land this big fish. And while he initially agrees to this, as their scheme unfolds and appears to be working splendidly, the plan soon develops a fatal hitch when Heyward starts to fall for Dianne himself...

You know, I always forget that the “Do the Clam” number wasn’t in Clambake. Nope, that belongs to Girl Happy (1965), which I believe I mashed up with Speedway (1968) into a false memory of having seen this film. And while the title song “Clambake” is actually pretty catchy, and the production number surrounding it is pretty keen, there really isn’t a whole lot else to recommend in this thing; a rare outing where Elvis just walked through the production as fast as humanly possible.

Presley had made overall worse films, sure, but he always appeared to be game in them -- well, at least professional, and put in the required effort while honoring these obligations. Here, though, it is readily apparent Presley did not give one single shit about anything and would rather be anywhere else but ‘here’.

The run up to the production of Clambake was kind of a watershed moment in Presley’s life both personally and professionally.

On the homefront, under pressure from his manager, Colonel Tom Parker, Presley’s impending (and slightly reluctant) marriage to Priscilla Beaulieu was fast approaching. And on top of that, a constant state of depression over his floundering film career and plummeting record sales found a despondent Presley binge-eating, with his weight blooming to well over 200lbs.

When the execs at United Artists got a look at him and his sizable paunch, with the start of shooting on Clambake mere days away, they ordered him to lose some weight fast and by any means necessary, adding a plethora of diet pills to Presley’s ever-growing drug regimen.

Around this same time Presley purchased and started renovating the Circle-G Ranch in Mississippi; and there he found a refuge and embraced the life of a cowboy -- so much so he didn’t want to leave. And for a while, he didn’t, moving his entire entourage there, installing eight house trailers around a central lake on the property.

The Circle-G.

And while ensconced there, he blew off several recording sessions for Clambake’s soundtrack; and when the first day of shooting arrived he again tried to postpone the inevitable. But the Colonel, feeling pressure from the studio, told his cash-cow -- sorry, "client" that he would need a “note from a doctor” or he would be in breach of contract.

And when his regular doctor proved unavailable, a friend of a friend hooked him up with the notorious Doctor George “Nick” Nichopoulos and his endless supply of prescription pads for the first time. Here, Elvis got his note. The cause of distress: saddle sores.

Thus, the production of Clambake was delayed while Presley malingered on the Circle-G. And then it was delayed again after five days of filming for another two weeks when the star, under a haze of prescription medication, suffered a minor concussion when he stumbled and fell in the bathroom and cracked his head on the tub.

This was the last straw for Parker, who came down hard on Presley’s enabling entourage, sending several packing and banishing Larry Gellar, Presley’s hairdresser and newly minted spiritual guru, from the group, whom Parker decried as a distracting nuisance. He also mandated a 24-hour watch on his money-maker to make sure something like this never happened again for the duration of the shoot. Alas, the damage had already been done.

Sadly, due to it’s delayed and haphazard shooting schedule, as you watch Clambake unfold it’s easy to spot Presley pre- and post-diet, and it’s quite startling the way some scenes are edited together that include both versions of the character, with some obvious costume and wardrobe changes to hide his girth that magically appears and disappears from scene to scene.

This is most evident during the “Confidence” number -- which is essentially “High Hopes” with the serial numbers filed off and a hope no one would notice, but we did, resulting in one of thee worst musical numbers ever in a Presley picture, and that is really saying something.

And on top of that, there are a ton of scenes, close-ups even, where Presley says his lines and then simply zones out while others gyrate around him.

Not helping matters much is the use and abuse of rear-projection shots and obvious doubles. Technically, Clambake was set in Florida, but aside from a few stock inserts it was shot entirely in California. All of the water-skiing is done against a green screen, as is the majority of the climatic speedboat race, which really derails things as the majority of the live-action second unit location work is really quite good.

But all of that was pretty much for naught as Heyward schemes to win the girl away from Jameson by beating him in the big boat race and dethroning the three-time defending champion.

And this he accomplishes all on his own by -- well, having a lot of stuff conveniently fall into his lap, starting with befriending a benevolent boat manufacturer (Merrill), who gives him a derelict speedboat to fix up for free. 

This he does by sciencing the shit out of some “goop," fixing the fatal flaw in this petroleum extract developed by his father’s company, and then uses it as a protective sealant to hold the shambling wreck together until he wins the checkered flag.

And with that, he wins the race, the girl, and the respect of his father in one soggy swoop.

One of the few bright spots in the production are Presley’s co-stars. Shelley Fabares leveraged her role in The Donna Reed Show (1958-1966) into a singing career, where she scored the hit, “Johnny Angel.” She would eventually star in three Presley pictures: Clambake, Girl Happy, and Spin-Out (1966). 

Here, Fabares is absolutely adorable, and the scene where she loses her top while trying to impress Jameson is a rare comical highlight in this turgid production.

James Gregory is always a welcome sight and does a pretty good job as the one note Duster Heyward. As for Will Hutchins, well, I always felt he looked like one of the Midwich Cuckoos all grown up -- which will make ah-lot more sense if you’ve read the John Wyndham book or seen Village of the Damned (1960). He’s fine in small doses, but the film calls on him to carry a lot. Bill Bixby is equally fine and manages to make something out of nothing as the ersatz villain of the piece.

Perhaps director Norman Taurog, who always seemed to coax a performance out of Presley no matter how asinine the premise -- Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962), Tickle Me (1965), might’ve been able to salvage something out of Clambake that Arthur Nadel couldn’t. 

This time, however, most of the blame, I am sad to report, goes on the disinterested star -- though one cannot really blame him as his film career went up in flames around him.

Yeah, 1967 was a pretty dire year for Presley, cinematically speaking, where his movies hit rock bottom with the rock-stupid Clambake, Double Trouble (1967) and Easy Come, Easy Go (1967).

When he signed up for Clambake, Presley had accumulated so much debt over fixing up the Circle-G that he would’ve done just about anything to stay solvent, which, obviously, came back and bit him in the ass. 

And with this succession of flops and declining box-office, Clambake would also be the last of Presley’s million dollar paydays -- half of which always went to Parker, whose client, through his own meddling and greed and squandered opportunities, just wasn’t as big an attraction as he used to be.

Thus, Clambake was a sign; a sign that Elvis Presley’s movie career was done. It was over. And despite a brief comeback, all the earmarks of the impending disaster to come were slowly clicking into place. And then, it was only a matter of time before everything was over. And over for good. 

Originally posted on January 17, 2017, at Micro-Brewed Reviews.

Clambake (1967) Levy-Gardner-Laven :: Rhodes Pictures :: United Artists / P: Arthur Gardner, Arnold Laven, Jules V. Levy / AP: Ernst R. Rolf / D: Arthur H. Nadel / W: Arthur Browne Jr. / C: William Margulies / E: Ernst R. Rolf / M: Jeff Alexander / S: Elvis Presley, Shelley Fabares, Bill Bixby, Will Hutchins, Gary Merrill, James Gregory, Suzie Kaye, Angelique Pettyjohn