And the director said, "Let there be light." And there was light, and it was good. Then, the director said, "Let there be sound." Check. And then the director said, "Let there be action." And lo, did things go very verily to hell in the proverbial hand-basket.
Now, there never really was a movie called ...And God Spoke. But that didn't stop Arthur and Mark Borman from co-writing and directing a hilarious mockumentary called The Making of ‘...And God Spoke' (1993), which was about two movie-makers whose aptitude and skills didn't quite match up to their visions / delusions of grandeur.
Tapping into a This is Spinal Tap (1984) vein and finding a gusher, the brothers Borman mined a lot of comedy gold from this well-worn conceit, laying bare the consequences when cinematic visions are compromised by a healthy dose of Murphy's Law, where anything and everything that could go wrong will (and does) go wrong while trying to bring that vision to the screen both on time and on budget.
And therefore, how those dreams and visions are inevitably dashed, ground-up, and then stomped into the asphalt. In this case, all that was missing was the plague of locusts and falling brimstone.
Thus and lo, our ‘documentary’ centers on the valiant but ultimately futile efforts of these two aspiring filmmakers, producer Marvin Handleman (Rappaport) and director Clive Walton (Riley), whose only experience thus far were a string of (faux) B-Movie offal -- She-Beast, Nude Ninjas and Alpha-Deatha-De-Kappa. But now, somehow, these two boobs have managed to get major studio backing for a proposed feature adaptation of the Bible. All of it. From "In the beginning..." to "...Happily ever after" boasts Handleman.
Do the math, he adds. That's a four billion strong target audience, and then multiply that number times $7 a ticket and -- cha-ching, baby!
Then, with this ambitiously epic -- and obviously delusional -- goal set, with dollar signs dancing in their heads, the production moves forward. And as the documentary cameras turn an unflinching eye on these self-absorbed cretins, we see that these aren't really bad people. Misguided, sure, but they obviously care, and have good intentions, but then get so absorbed in the minutia on one end, and the entrenched artistic conception on the other, that it's far too late to really salvage anything when everything in between begins to unravel -- before the cameras even roll on the film proper!
First, the two-thousand page, Divinely-influenced script needs a little reworking. And a few pre-production snags scrap location filming in the Holy Land, so the familiar sights of Bronson Canyon will have to be substituted.
Casting goes nowhere. They wanted Marlon Brando for Moses, but they got Soupy Sales. And the only other real name actor they get is Eve "Jan Brady" Plumb to play Noah's wife. And for The Garden of Eden, the actress cast for Eve has a pretty face, but failed to mention her full length body tattoo. Adam, meanwhile, is portrayed by a method actor who is ... well, blessed, and he refuses to put his clothes back on for the duration of his scenes.
And as things continue to get out of hand, and the budget keeps on escalating, principal shooting commences -- and then immediately stops. Nothing works. The special-effects fizzle, as the burning bush refuses to ignite; and there's major set problems, too, like when the replica of Noah's Ark won't fit on the sound stage due to some conversion errors between cubits and feet.
Then, crippling cast acrimony causes even more delays, with Abel (Dick) refusing to do his scene with Cain (Ferrigno) because he was under the impression that Abel was supposed to win the fight; and the scenes where Jesus walks on the water grinds to a halt because no one knows for sure how many disciples the man actually had.
Obviously, it's been awhile since Sunday School for everyone involved. And as these proportionately biblical snafus and catastrophes keep stacking up the production finds itself terminally behind schedule, meaning some drastic cuts will have to be made.
Thus, either Sodom or Gomorra are out, and only three plagues for Egypt instead of ten, along with a few other things that will have to be cut out completely; like the Psalms, Deuteronomy ... the New Testament.
Horrified by the dailies, the studio immediately cuts bait and withdraws its money, leaving Clive and Marvin to try and raise more capital to finish the picture themselves -- including product placement. That's why Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with The Ten Commandments in one hand and a six-pack of Coke in the other.
Tensions rise as the crew resorts to commando filmmaking, shooting the Nativity at a local church display without permission or permit. And even though at this point they aren't even speaking to each other anymore, our filmmakers refuse to let this production die.
Cobbling what little usable footage they have together with a buttload of stock footage -- that never comes even close to matching, the bickering duo do their best to shore things up, including an accordion powered soundtrack. (It's the only instrument either could play.) And upon its release, ... And God Spoke initially bombs, but proves so endearingly inept that it becomes a cult hit akin to The Room (2003) or Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010), convincing our filmmakers to try it again with The Iliad.
God help us all.
I always get a kick out of these behind the scenes comedies: Hollywood Boulevard (1976) and Hollywood Boulevard II (1990), Living in Oblivion (1995), Waiting for Gufmann (1996) and its progeny. Heck, even a classic like Singing in the Rain (1952) spends a good portion of itself showing a movie studio's disastrous attempt to switch from silent to sound films.
And The Making of ‘...And God Spoke' truly is one helluva fun film without a true blasphemous bone in its body.
From the vapid actors, the surly union reps, to the lazy grips, and the theme specific caterers to the FX, wardrobe and prop departments, they all prove to be just as inept as the two guys in charge, providing a nice framework for a series of comical disasters that would’ve even pushed the patience of Job past critical mass.
Originally posted on August 4, 2010, at Micro-Brewed Reviews.
The Making of ‘...and God Spoke (1993) :: Brookwood Entertainment :: Artisan Entertainment / P: Mark Borman / D: Arthur Borman / W: Greg Malins, Michael Curtis, Arthur Borman (story), Mark Borman (story) / C: Lee Daniel / E: Wendey Stanzler / M: John Massari / S: Michael Riley, Stephen Rappaport, Soupy Sales, Eve Plumb, Andy Dick, Lou Ferrigno
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