Return of the Living Dead (1978)

"You're not from around here, Greene," Sheriff McClellan said. "This area was one of the hardest hit ten years ago. Remember? The dead had to be burned or decapitated. The brain had to be destroyed. I don't know if those creatures were really dead or not -- not in the usual sense. Nobody knows. But somebody's afraid it's going to happen again."

Greene blanched. "It can't happen again..." 

From Return of the Living Dead by John Russo (1978).

Back in 1967 Image 10 Productions, a motley band of weekend filmmakers, cobbled together the no-budget classic of all time -- not to mention one of the greatest horror films ever made, which came to be known as Night of the Living Dead (1968).

Soon after, however, fueled by a seedy distributor and a copyright snafu that reduced their profit shares significantly, the company splintered apart for reasons that would take way too long to get into here; but an amicable agreement was reached on their seminal film as they branched out in different directions: director George Romero was allowed to use the word “Dead” in future films, while producer / scriptwriter John Russo laid claim to the phrase “Living Dead” for any of his ensuing projects.

And while Romero would go on to write and direct the classic sequel Dawn of the Dead (1978), followed by the not quite as classic Day of the Dead (1985), and the long gestating but ultimately disappointing Land of the Dead (2005 -- everything after that I pretend didn’t happen), Russo hammered out a sequel of his own titled Return of the Living Dead for his New America Films Inc.

Russo’s film almost made it to screen twice; first when he managed to get Tobe Hooper -- fresh off The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) -- on board to direct. A small time distributor out of Chicago by the name of Bill Link was interested and optioned the script, hoping to raise enough cash to get cameras rolling. But the money never materialized.

Then around 1976, Russo found another lifeline because he knew somebody who knew somebody high-up in the orbit of Frank Sinatra, of all people, who began negotiations with the crooner to invest some $3 million into the proposed production.

John A. Russo.

“Along with my attorney, my wife and I were brought to Las Vegas to meet with Mr. Sinatra and to attend the opening night show and party,” said Russo in the forward for Fathom Press’s 2024 edition of Return of the Living Dead. “Everything was going great, but that very night a plane carrying Mr. Sinatra’s mother to the [same] opening night festivities went down in the mountains and she and others were killed.” Understandably, the tragedy officially scuttled the Sinatra camp’s interest and, “Our potential movie did not get made.” 

A few years later, Russo and company officially waved the white flag when producer Tom Fox offered them a large sum of money for the rights to the proposed film, bought them out, and turned it over to Dan O’Bannon for further development.

Knowing full well that he couldn’t compete with the social commentary of Romero’s zombie films, O’Bannon -- best known for his collaboration on Dark Star (1974) with John Carpenter, and scripting Alien (1979) -- basically junked Russo’s script, which was indeed a direct sequel to Night of the Living Dead that seemed content to just rehash its source material.

Thus, Return of the Living Dead (1985) went through a massive overhaul; and in the end it became more of a black comedy that still managed to scare the bageezus out of you as the undead chant of "Brains!" rightfully joined the pop-culture lexicon. “Its path to success took 13 years of twists and turns and valiant but frustrating struggles,” noted Russo.

Now. While O’Bannon’s film became something completely different, one can still read Russo’s original treatment. You see, Russo converted the unused script -- co-plotted with fellow former Image 10 collaborators Russell Streiner and Rudy Ricci -- into a novel, hoping to drum up some interest in financing a film version. 

Russo already had one book published, the novelization of Night of the Living Dead (1974). His second was first published in 1978 by Dale Books, and Russo's tale of terror opens in rural Pennsylvania at the funeral of a young girl. After finishing the ceremony, the preacher then nods to the girl’s father, who then solemnly takes up a hammer and spike and drives it into the deceased’s skull.

When word comes that a bus has crashed close by, killing everyone on board, fearful that the dead will rise again -- like they did ten years before -- the congregation manages to spike most of the victims in the head, too, but the authorities arrive before they can finish the job.

Soon enough, the dead do rise and start rampaging and feeding again on the living. Again, no definitive explanation is given, it’s just happening again. And while the carnage progresses exponentially, the narrative keeps its focus on the Miller sisters -- Sue Ellen, Ann, and Karen (-- who is critically pregnant), a group of four sadistic looters who invade the Miller home, and two state patrolmen, Dave Benton and Carl Martinelli.

And so, as the night wears on, the protagonists must fend off both the flesh-eating ghouls and the equally dangerous thieves. Who will survive this second night of the living dead? Needless to say, come the dawn, not everyone makes it.

Return of the Living Dead the novel has a great beginning, where Russo establishes a creepy and bucolic atmosphere that just drips with tension and anxiety but, unfortunately, quickly loses all momentum once the dead rise. Any novelty the narrative had is then quickly abandoned to rehash the hole-up and siege motif of Night of the Living Dead.

Here, the zombies are just a nuisance, almost an afterthought, as the main conflict is between the looters and the cops, who are fighting over the Miller sisters. And Russo seems a little preoccupied with getting those sisters naked -- alive or dead:

"The ghoul knelt over the unconscious girl, its dead lips drooling spittle. With a glint of lust in its eyes, it bit into the soft flesh of her neck and lingered there. Then its rough hands moved down, and pulled her blouse off her body in one brutal motion. The ghoul bent its head and sunk its teeth into the girl's firm breasts, chewing bits out of one and then the other. All the while groans came from deep within its throat and the ghoul's body moved rhythmically ... more determined than before, it ripped off the rest of her clothing and relished in the soft pulpiness of her thigh and groin until it had chewed its fill."

See what I mean? Still, Russo does have a gift for describing zombie carnage. There's just not enough of it. 

The book does recover in spots when it’s being original, and contains several truly macabre scenes of the looters baiting the ghouls with restrained hostages so they can get away. It also has an ambiguous ending concerning Karen’s newborn baby that will either anger you or send chills down your spine.

But the biggest obstacle the book has was how it's hamstrung by the notoriety of its source film. Sure, characters abruptly die with little or no warning; but these deaths lack any real shock value because you’re expecting it. We know this drill by heart:

No one’s safe and any one can die at any moment. And all plans -- no matter how sound -- are doomed to failure as dire situations exponentially get worse and spiral out of control. With each turn of the page you anticipate the ironic twist -- like the proverbial other shoe, waiting to drop on your head like a twenty-ton anvil.

Case in point: When Sheriff Conan “Yeah they’re dead, they’re all messed up” McClellan and his posse make a return appearance, we wait, patiently, to see who they accidentally kill this time -- and aren't disappointed.

John Russo will tell anyone who will listen that he’s just a nice guy who likes to scare people. And to those ends, over the years he did manage to actually get some 19 films produced, like Midnight (1982) and The Majorettes (1986). He also wrote some 30 novels or novelizations and several non-fiction books on independent filmmaking -- I highly recommend Scare Tactics (1992). And while film evidence shows that Russo needed Romero a lot more than Romero ever needed him, I still contend Romero’s post Image 10 work was always missing a certain somethin’ somethin’, a strange alchemy, that’s hard to define but it is clearly not there -- to me at least.

For the longest time tracking down a copy of Russo’s Return of the Living Dead wasn’t easy, and would cost you an arm and a leg when you did. It took me nearly a decade after learning of its existence to finally secure one through eBay that wasn’t THAT expensive (-- and we’ll find out why in a sec).

And you had to be really careful, too, you see, because Russo also did the novelization for O’Bannon’s film. And since they had the exact same name, that caused even more confusion and consternation -- and don’t get burnt and purchase the film adaptation by mistake, like I did, for way too much money by an unscrupulous eBay seller who insisted it was an original.

And to add insult to injury, the authentic Dale copy of Return of the Living Dead that I did get a hold of later was missing a good chunk of pages and was completely out of order in what I could only presume was some kind of printing error. As presented, the story went as follows: pages 1-24, then skip to page 89-120, and then back to page 57, which then ran to the end unbroken to page 147. By my math, that’s 33 total pages missing, with another 31 duplicated pages in that non-linear mess.

Unfortunately, those 33 missing pages contained the integral parts where the dead first come back to life again. And unfortunately, I couldn’t get this one refunded because I missed the fine print in the listing that pointed out the defect, too excited by the price as I tripped over myself on the way to the checkout page. C'est la vive.

Over the years since, Russo's novel has gone through three different printings but it’s still very rare. The original price was a mere $1.99 but expect to pay anywhere from $75 to $350 for an original copy today, depending on the seller. Is it worth that kind of money? Well, that all really depends on how big a Living Dead fan you are.

Luckily, Fathom Press got another printing of the book out in 2024, which will only set you back about $16. It was nice to finally get the full story -- flawed though it may be. But not fatally by any stretch.

Thus, Return of the Living Dead is not the greatest piece of literature you’ll ever read, but no Living Dead completest should be without it -- especially at that lower price. To me, the book just seems rushed and slapped together, where parts of it are fleshed out while others are dangerously anemic. And it gets really repetitive as Russo bangs the drum for the same plot beats over and over again, beating the reader over the head with the same thing they read, like, three pages before.

Thus, the book reads just like it should -- another draft of an unused movie script. But I should note on this latest read-through it all came off a lot better when the reader wasn't fuming over missing a third of the story. And, damn, but if it isn’t a page turner.

The sad thing is, there honestly seems to be a truly fascinating story here trying to get out if Russo could just get out of his own way. With a little nurturing it might have been a riveting film but, as it is, it falls into that dangerously nebulous gray area of being not great but also not terrible, making it ultimately and unreasonably unremarkable given its circumstances.

Originally published on November 11, 2000, at 3B Theater.

Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals (1983)

Today’s scripture lesson is taken from the Book of Cheapjack Italian Exploitation Movies, Chapter Mondo, verse Nudie. Thus and Lo, our slightly blasphemous but totally bonkers tale begins at the very beginning. For you see…

…In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth -- via some scotch-taped together stock-footage, most likely stolen from a smoldering dumpster in an alley behind the National Geographic Society. 

Heed ye then as grainy looking earthquakes rumble, as the earth is cracked open and torn asunder, while faded and off-color volcanoes belch fire and lava.

By and by, the Divine stock-footage was exhausted, the world settled down, and God said, “Meh, close enough.” And then the Creator filled this new world with all kinds of flora and fauna courtesy of more pilfered footage; this time, the source most probably some Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom reruns.

But! His Holiest of Holies still wasn’t satisfied and had one more creative itch left to scratch. A decision He would probably later come to regret.

A lot.

And so it was written there came upon the Earth what looked like a giant ravioli, which soon ruptured most messily from the inside out as the contents -- under pressure, apparently -- scraped and clawed its way out of this makeshift placenta.

And once the gruesome afterbirth is washed away, man officially sprung from this ersatz womb and walked the newly minted earth. And then, yea verily, the Almighty doth turn the keys of the kingdom over to Adam (Gregory), who is told not to wreck this beautiful Eden -- or else.

Now, while the good Lord rested, Adam heeded His word and steadfastly kept his hands at 10 and 2 as he explored his new domain, hiking through jungles, discovering bodies of water, laughing at his reflection in the same, watching animals do what animals do. 

But in truth, Adam spent most of his days voguing, striking poses, looking slightly confused as he stared off into the distance at nothing in particular.

Perhaps Adam was lonely, sayeth the congregation, which would explain why he found himself on the beach one day sculpting himself a sex-doll out of the wet sand. But the Lord Almighty said, “None of that, little mister,” and sent a torrential rain shower to wash this pagan idol away.

But Adam quickly flings himself on top of this sculpture -- either trying to protect his creation or dry-hump it before the effigy dissolved, hard to tell for sure. Either way, his Creator saw this and took pity on him. 

And so, when the sand washed away, it revealed a woman buried underneath. And not just any woman, but a hot blonde endowed with huuuuuge tracts of strategically placed hair implants.

Thus, Adam christened his new companion Eve (Goldman), and together, these two were happy and content for a time -- well, a very short time.

See, Eve, unfortunately, wasn’t so easily entertained as the dimwitted Adam and soon grew bored with the tedium of paradise. (I mean, How long can a person just sit there and stare confusedly? At nothing?) And so, she soon comes under the influence of a talking serpent, who encourages her to eat of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge.

This, of course, is strictly forbidden; but no matter how many times Adam says not to eat from it, this only makes Eve want to do it more. Soon enough, she gives in to temptation and takes a bite from what turns out to be the Tree of ‘Carnal’ Knowledge as Adam, ever the dimwit, takes a bite, too. And once they’ve both supped, they both get to fornicating something fierce -- officially bringing sin into the world.

Woe be to them, then, as the Great Creator deemed that this was bad; very, very bad. Who then threw a total three-alarm shit-fit of biblical proportions to punish Adam and Eve for their transgression -- for He is one wrathful S.O.B., who sends more deliriously deteriorating stock-footage of storms, more earthquakes, and more volcanoes as the magical garden is torn asunder in what could be best described as someone using a tactical nuke as a flyswatter. (Hey, the guy wrote the book on the Old Testament after all.)

Adam and Eve, meanwhile, were much afraid, and scrambled for any kind of shelter but none could be found. And then, to punctuate His point, the Almighty sent a giant stop-motion animated boulder -- from the Book of Spielberg, Chapter Raiders, Verses 5-6 -- to run those two horny ingrates out of Paradise forever…

Well, now, if you’ve ever questioned if the world needed a take on Genesis as told as an Italian exploitation movie, then Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals (alias Adamo ed Eva: la prima storia d'amore, 1983) is your definitive answer. And that answer is, “Duh-doi! This is most certainly true.”

Digging into the origin of this thoroughly misguided masterpiece of Wait, What? Are You @#%*ing Kidding Me?! sees two different exploitation streams colliding together to make it happen.

For on one side you have co-director and co-screenwriter Luigi Russo, who produced things like The Lusty Wives of Canterbury (alias I racconti di Canterbury, 1972) and The Ups and Downs of a Super Stud (alias Pensione Amore - SerVizio completo, 1979); while his co-director and co-screenwriter, Enzo Doria, came from the world of the gialli with Short Night of Glass Dolls (alias La corta notte delle bambole di vetro, 1971) and Hollywood blockbuster knock-offs like Beyond the Door (alias Chi sei?, 1974), which takes a liberal swipe at The Exorcist (1973), and Tentacles (alias Tentacoli, 1977), a blatant cephalopod cash-in on JAWS (1975).

And together, these two, along with five (FIVE!) more credited screenwriters, including Gisella Longo, who gave us Franco Nero punching sharks in the face in the totally gonzo The Shark Hunter (alias Il cacciatore di squali, 1979), and Jaime Comas Gil, who penned A Fistful of Dollars (alias Per un pugno di dollari, 1964) and Danger! Death Ray (alias Il raggio infernale, 1967), concocted the plot for Adam and Eve vs the Cannibals, but whose Italian title literally translates into the more passive Adam and Eve, the First Love Story.

Now, you’re probably asking yourself, Waitaminute? What does a love story derived from the Bible have to do with cannibals? And where were those cannibals anyway? Well, we’re getting to that as this brain-bending mash-up of The Blue Lagoon (1981), Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983), and Quest for Fire (1981) is just getting warmed up as Man and Woman’s fall from Grace was just the opening act.

And to kick off the second, What if I told you the couple wind up fighting a pterodactyl? Because they sure do. 

They also eat it, and then Eve turns the skin into a gravity-defying top. And then, well … And then we kinda skip ahead a bit to The Book of Exodus as the couple wander the desert and through several rock quarries as Adam tries to lead them back to the sea for … reasons.

As they wander and bicker, the couple is soon ambushed by a group of primitives -- but don’t get your hopes up, for these are not the cannibals we seek. But these throwbacks (-- wait, throwbacks to what? --) do truss Adam and Eve up on a couple of poles and haul them back to their caves like captured game in an old safari movie.

But from what I can translate visually over what happens next, what with all the crotch-grabbing and feel-cupping, they don’t want to eat these two strangers but crossbreed with them. (No. I am not making that up.) Luckily, a handy tiger, who was also apparently displaced by the great cataclysm, and who turns out to be an old friend of Adam’s from his pre-Eve days, chases all the primitives off, allowing Adam and Eve to continue their aimless walkabout.

But after crossing a few more rock quarries, the couple comes to loggerheads when Eve calls a halt, climbs a tree, and refuses to journey any further in service of this fool’s quest, feeling Adam’s still unexplained notion to find the sea is both hopeless and pointless.

And so, with a shrug, Adam, ever the escalating cretin, just presses on without her to explore more rocks and sand and then stand around looking confused again. Eve, meanwhile, is captured by another caveman, who is a little further up the evolutionary scale than the last tribe encountered. (Wait. Have these guys stumbled into Caprona by chance? And that will make a lot more sense if you’ve read Edgar Rice Burroughs' The Land that Time Forgot.)

Anyhoo, these still aren’t the cannibals we’re searching for, so calm down. But, as Eve's captor -- let's call him Kevin (Alcázar) -- becomes totally twitterpated with her, and she with him, he stakes a definite claim to this woman, taking her to a happening make-out spot down by the waterfall. Here, the two get to bonking.

But then suddenly, those cannibals finally show up!

These cannibals take the form of ape-like troglodytes decked out in some spectacularly re-purposed bathroom rugs and fright wigs. As Kevin’s people retreat into the trees, those unlucky enough to get caught in the open are either chewed-up on the spot or trussed-up and hauled off to snack on later.

And while the tree-people eventually mount a spirited counter-attack against these cannibals, both Kevin and Eve are captured. Luckily for them, Adam overheard the sounds of battle and managed to distract the cannibals long enough for Kevin to break his bonds and successfully rescue all of them. And, no, this is not about to become Adam and Eve and Kevin, a Naughty, Naughty Love Story. *sheesh* Get your heads outta the gutter, you heathens. Oh, wait. 

No! No! Instead, this movie then kicks its already laughably high rock-stupid quotient up a few more notches with the most unfortunate looking bear attack in cinema history.  

And when this ratty bear-prop gets the drop on Eve (-- don’t ask), Adam springs to her defense but proves about as useful as you’d expect, leaving it to Kevin to save their hash again, again, as he dispatches the bear after … well, I’d hate to actually call that display “a fight.”

Regardless, the bear suit is dead and Kevin moves to claim his prize: Eve. But for some reason, Eve decides to dump him and stay with the party that brung ‘em -- I mean, brung her. An angered Kevin fights for her and cleans Adam’s yet to be invented clock. But as he moves in for the kill, Eve begs him to spare Adam. Seeing who she truly loves, Kevin relents, gives Eve one last longing look, who won’t return it, and then disappears into the trees, never to be heard from again.

And so, together again, after skinning the, uhm, "bear," leaving some poor stuntman stripped-naked behind them, and using those pelts for some new clothes, Adam and Eve’s journey continues. And as they journey, the couple ‘reconcile’ in a ‘biblical sense’ because Eve has a notion to have a cub like the other animals.

After the deed is done, Adam, ever the idiot, decides to look for the sea inside a cave but finds a pack of wolves instead. However, Adam managed to pick up a few fighting tricks from Kevin, kills one of the wolves with a club, and runs the rest off.

Flush with victory, the couple poke their heads back outside to find a rapid onset ice age has suddenly struck in the whole five minutes it took them to decide the sea was not, repeat, was not, inside the cave. That’s me shrugging right now, too, Fellow Programs.

But yon ice age would pass almost as quickly and as pointlessly as it came. And as the last of the melting ice broke away, it reveals the couple had, indeed, finally reached the sea. Divine intervention? Knowing these two idiots and their sense of direction? It’s the only rational explanation possible.

Thus, as Eve percolates with their first born -- and are we sure it’s his and not Kevin’s? -- Adam starts bartering with the tree people, trading fish for veggies and something new called fire. And so, Adam and Eve eke out a meager existence until Eve is drawn into the water where she finally gives birth to Cain, with Abel coming soon after, I’m sure. 

But that, my faithful brethren, is another tale for another day. Amen.

A lot of you might recognize actor Mark Gregory and his rockin’ proto-mullet as the same guy who played Trash in the post-apocalyptic tale of a ravaged New York City, 1990: The Bronx Warriors (alias I guerrieri del Bronx, 1982), and its sequel, Escape from the Bronx (alias Fuga dal Bronx, 1983). He also starred as Johnny Hondo in something called War Bus Commando (alias L'ultimo bus di guerra, 1989) that just made it into my ‘Better Track that One Down File.’

This also appears to be the only screen credit for Andrea Goldman, who, funnily enough, acted circles around her co-star. And that’s about it as far as the cast goes as everyone else were just extras buried under a ton of pelts, paint, false teeth, and those aforementioned fright wigs. These make-up effects are fine, meaning terrible, but they fit perfectly into this mess of a milieu.

I dug around some but couldn’t confirm if Adam and Eve ever got a theatrical release in the States, but it looks like it was renamed Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals for a super-rare home video release by Transworld Entertainment, hoping to cash in on the notoriety of the gut-munching Cannibal Holocaust (1980) and Cannibal Ferox (alias Make Them Die Slowly, 1981). And while there are actual cannibals in this movie, I still feel this alt-title is a tad disingenuous because the cannibals are in it for, like, two seconds.

Still, even though the film kinda boils down to a strange allegory for marriage counseling, fraught with trials and tribulations, to get Adam and Eve to finally admit they love each other and then live happily ever after, this morality play is then candy-coated with an absurd amount of nonsense and pure bedlam, ranging from a go-motion pterosaur attack, to horny cavemen, to the worst / best faux bear attack of ever.

All told, if they taught this version of Genesis in Bible School, I probably would’ve paid more attention. But don’t worry, despite these dramatic liberties Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals is pretty harmless and not THAT blasphemous. What it is, is gloriously, gloriously stupid. And kinda awesome. This is most certainly true.

Originally posted on October 6, 2017, at Micro-Brewed Reviews.

Adam and Eve vs. the Cannibals (1983) Alex Film International :: Arco Film :: Trans World Entertainment / P: Enzo Doria / D: Enzo Doria, Luigi Russo / W: Domenico Rafele, Lidia Ravera, Jaime Comas Gil, Eugenio Benit, Luigi Russo, Enzo Doria / C: Fernando Espiga / E: Gianfranco Amicucci, Luigi Russo / M: Guido De Angelis, Maurizio De Angelis / S: Mark Gregory, Andrea Goldman, Ángel Alcázar, Costantino Rossi, Pierangelo Pozzato